When You Think Life Will Progress One Way....

And Then Life Happens.....

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Babies the documentary... some may call it adorable; I call it torture (I just saw it)

Ok, so I am sitting here for lunch, actually feeling anxious and panicky. Why you ask? Because in an hour and a half I am planning to see the documentary film "Babies"; the film that follows four newborns from different places in the world during their first year of life. Why in the world would someone struggling with infertility and childfree by circumstance subject themselves to this torture? Because that is what it will be. Torture. Plain and simple agony.

(And before I forget, DH called me today because someone brought their 2 year old to the office today. He was upset, and I so hate that this is because of ME. We have this THING - infertility - in our lives because of me. I hate knowing that he is missing so much, now and in the future, because of what I can't give him.)

I am watching the movie because, as a child development specialist, I find the movie professionally interesting. Personally, I think it will feel as if every tooth will be pulled out without Novocain, and then hot sauce forced down my throat. I see this also as a test - can I look beyond my pain to see this professionally? Can I continue in my current career in some way? Will I need to change my focus, or will I have to do something completely different? Can I divorce myself and work in the educational field, knowing I will never have children myself? So, this is my first real test. Here goes; a mid-day matinee and I can leave if it gets too hard.


I survived the movie, and managed to wait until the very end when I then went to the restroom to breakdown. Though, as I write this, I'm trying hard not to cry as I sit outside in a public plaza.

From a professional perspective, the movie was very interesting to me. My background is child development and early childhood, and international education. It was interesting to watch the progression of developmental milestones and parent-child interactions from a cultural, sociological perspective....

But I digress. It was so painful watching the women pregnant in the beginning; I felt ill with jealousy watching those that breastfed. I will admit, I had moments of 'childfree, yes!' when watching babies bawling inconsolably. But what hit me the most, and what tears me up inside, was watching the daily and monthly progression of development and growth. If I do go back to the child development field, I will have the opportunity, at most, to impact many lives but in a very isolated way. I will have at most snapshots of shared experiences from people's life albums. I will miss life's milestones, both large and small, since I will have noone progressing through them to celebrate with (and yes, I am intentionally not including the milestones DH and I can have the two of us, since this is different). I am terrified of the future. I feel empty. Not only because I feel I am missing something, but because I feel a part of me is dead.

As I am writing this sittting outside in this plaza, I see families all around me. Babies in strollers, toddlers playing, families eating together, and I feel like I am outside looking in. I will never belong. As their children get older, and as they mark different things in their lives, I will always be on the outside.  And I don't think I will ever be ok with this.

Time to go home, I think DH and I will need some serious bonding tonight. 


  1. (((HUGS)))


  2. I honestly don't know how you did it. I would have been beyond a mess.



  3. Sometimes I wish there were days where the childless could walk around without any fear of bumping into babies, children or pregnant bellies...I would LIVE for those days!

    Big hugs, you're a warrior for getting through that film.

    Happy ICLW!!
    #40 http://thegalwho.wordpress.com/

  4. I hadn't heard of that documentary. I'm impressed you got through it. Hang in there. I am hoping things improve for you.

    thanks for stopping by my blog


  5. Part of me wants to see it and the other part of me just *knows* that I wouldn't make it through without crying. Kudos for going and thanks for reviewing it.

    ICLW #81.

  6. I saw a preview for that and bawled. I really want to see it because I lived in Namibia and am somewhat familiar with the Himba culture, but at the same time....it will be torture. Hubby time sounds like a fantastic idea....Happy ICLW from #29.

  7. "We have this THING - infertility - in our lives because of me. I hate knowing that he is missing so much, now and in the future, because of what I can't give him."

    I understand this feeling quite well. I hate that a great deal of Darrel's life has to by neccessity be concerned with taking care of me when I am sick, or helping me with doctor things, etc. It makes me feel defective, all this medical stuff. :(

    I am quite impressed that you went to this movie and made it through! Were I in your shoes, I'm not sure I would have been strong enough.

  8. You are a stronger woman than I!
    Can I be nosy and ask why egg donation is not an option for you? I am curious because I am currently pregnant after egg donation because of chromosomal problems.

  9. Wow. ((Hugs)) I would rather pull my hair out one strand at a time than watch that movie right now. You must be one tough cookie.

  10. I am sorry you had to watch that movie. I understand about seeing babies and pregnancies everywhere. Its something about this time of year. Sending you some {{HUGS}}


  11. @ Suzy -
    There is no question too nosy within this conversation. I was told egg donation is the only way I could experience a pregnancy, and philosophically I just can't see myself doing it. It would be different if there was a stepchild from my DH before we met, I could handle that; but knowing that a child was biologically his and not mine just doesn't feel right to me. Plus, carrying another woman's child... I couldn't. I am not a religious person, but I also think there is a limit to science, and egg donation - for me - steps over the line. I feel adoption is a more preferable option, since those children are already in existence (and no, adoption is not an option for us right now).